LETTER: ABLP Rejected Me When I Applied to be a Sycophant (Satirical)

Dear Editor,

In October, I submitted a formal application to the Antigua and Barbuda Labour Party (ABLP) to be registered as a party sycophant.

But to my utter shock and horror, I got word last week that my application was rejected! For the life of me, I cannot figure out why.

I went to the party HQ on Nugent Avenue in October and got an official sycophant application form and filled it out correctly.

I made no errors and even had current sycophants review my form before I submitted it.

My application was very strong. Firstly, I demonstrated my intellectual dishonesty, which is very important. I submitted photos and documentation demonstrating that the community where is live is neglected.

The roads are a complete mess. Vector control is near non existent. We hardly get water, or they keep turning it on only at night.

And there’s a lot of youth unemployment. A lot of guys I knew as young woman growing up are just in the block doing nothing, and the MP like she has not plan for the area.

But despite all of that, I demonstrated on my application that I have nonetheless praised the government and the party and I have supported the party at many of its events.

I have lied directly to people’s faces about issues I know are wrong, but I do it for the good of the party. I lie to myself too.

Secondly, I also demonstrated my capacity as keyboard warrior – very important to the application.

I have used all my social media profiles to promote Labour. I am especially active on Facebook, where I lie in wait for anyone who criticises the government or the party, and I drag them.

I attack and try my hardest to deny, disinform and discredit. The first step is to deny that what they are saying is even true.

Call them a liar straight-up. Then I give alternative facts about how the issue has already been addressed, is being addressed, or is the fault of the previous administration, so as to deflect blame from the party.

Then I discredit them. I try to be in people’s business as much as possible. If there’s something about them that I know, I will try to use to my advantage – where they work, how much they make, who they friends with, what party they support, if they have any debts, if they family involve in anything scandalous – things like that.

This is how I discredit them. And I know that I’m good at it. I also make sure to @ all my party friends as well so that it can be a feeding frenzy.

Thirdly, I demonstrated my capacity to kiss ass. During the campaigning in January, every opportunity I got, I would go and campaign with the MP and tell her how good she look, and how she was doing a wonderful job.

I even baked a banana bread for her. I left it with her campaign people, so I don’t know if she ever got it. Every morning, I still message her page on fb with a greeting and a blessing for the day.

Fourthly, I demonstrated my capacity for worshipping the party leader. Nobody have Gaston Browne name good good in there mouth like me.

No one! I am a public servant for years now, and I make sure that every morning, I let the whole office know dat it’s because of the honourable Gaston Browne, that we have clothes on our backs and food on the table to feed our children.

By his grace and mercy alone, do we eat our daily bread. I don’t understand why he hasn’t been made a national hero as yet. He is just so wonderful.

I actually met him once, and just one look at the man, you could tell that the country was in good hands. If he wasn’t a married man, I might see if he needed a wife. But he already have a wife.

Having said all that, I cannot understand why my application to be a party sycophant was turned down. I lie to myself about the state of my country. I attack people who speak out. I flatter ceaselessly. I have always been servile. And I just love Gaston Browne. So why was my application rejected?!

This is not fair. If you support the party you’re supposed to get a reward. That’s how it works. You do things to get things.

Well I want many things, and I was hoping that this new position would start me in the right track in the party. Maybe after becoming a sycophant, I could become an ambassador or something, or get a contract to watch paint dry. I have ambition.

I am making an appeal to my never-to-be husband Gaston Browne, please review the application process for party sycophants. I want to be one, and I don’t think I was fairly treated.

Susanette

 

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